Women's Issues
On friendship in the church
Have you ever left a women’s fellowship or social gathering at church with a vague feeling of discontent? Maybe you were hoping to get to know a few women in a more informal and relaxed context, to go deeper in conversation, to establish a connection that might lead to real friendship?
I have felt this way many times. Even though the social events were fun, even though I had some interesting conversations, I still left with the nagging sense that not one person had dug beneath the surface layer of actually knowing me. I desired to be known, truly seen. For a friend to care about what God was doing in my life or the issues I was facing. I longed to listen to their stories and struggles, to share in a moment of solidarity. Usually, there just wasn’t enough time and space to do so. The programmes were packed with fun and even spiritually edifying activities (like biblical exhortation and encouragement) yet no specific opportunity to ask one another the harder questions, or to share more vulnerably about a situation in our lives. This vulnerability does not naturally flow out of the average women’s church event, informal permission needs to be given for this to happen.
I recently read an article on mentoring which shared a great way of facilitating deeper conversations. Friends and mentors would meet and ask each other to share a rose, a bud and a thorn in their lives. The rose was something good happening in their life, the bud; something they were looking forward to, and the thorn was something they were currently finding difficult. I thought this was a brilliant and well-rounded way of gently encouraging each other to share not only the hard but the joyous parts of our experiences. These questions gave freedom for people to answer the way they wanted to- they could choose to reveal as little or as much as they felt able to. The questions are open to individual interpretation but give permission for vulnerability and accessibility.
There was a time a few years ago, just before the pandemic struck when my loneliness and sense of isolation had reached breaking point. The church we were attending had a small, ageing congregation and no opportunities socially for the women of the church to meet regularly. The men had curry nights, regular meet-ups at the local pub and the occasional quiz night...the women had a monthly daytime option to join the mother’s union for tea and planning of various charity fundraising activities. My free time was seriously lacking due to my husband's long working hours and two little ones to care for at home.
There were no women I would have called friends in that church. They were friendly on Sundays and made me and my family feel welcome, but I never felt able to call any of them in the week to talk or to suggest meeting for a cuppa and a catch up.
My attempts at arranging a meet up here and there with various women had yielded little results- there were last minute cancellations, difficulty coordinating schedules, exclamations of busyness which sounded discouraging or just plain old lack of enthusiasm or reciprocation. It was painful.
Despite this, my growing desperation for connection overtook my fear of rejection and I planned a small women's gathering at my home one winter's evening. I knew I needed to be intentional about the time we had together. Our time and availability were limited so I wanted to make every moment count. I decided to create a theme for the evening which was ‘Trust’. I asked everyone coming to think about the word trust and to share something at the meeting that related to it in some way- it could be a poem, a picture, an anecdote or personal story. Maybe it was something they had watched, listened to or read in their bible recently. I made sure to reassure everyone that there was no obligation to share anything profound, but it was just to inspire good conversation and provide some structure. To spice things up even more I organised a ‘lucky draw’, where each person put their names on slips of paper into a bag and I drew a winner at random- the prize was a bunch of flowers. Everyone left with a small chocolate treat too. I had a tight budget, but these were affordable ways I could show some extra care and attention to detail for our time together. I aimed for a cosy atmosphere, soft lighting, lots of comfy cushions dotted around the room and relaxing music playing low in the background to take the edge off any awkward silences.
That evening is one I will always remember fondly, it was such a beautiful surprise. We were a motley assortment of women in my tiny living room- different ages and stages of life, different backgrounds and cultures, some knew each other well some had never met before (I had invited a friend from a different church who knew nobody but me). But the atmosphere from the beginning was special, one of solidarity and mutuality. Everyone came prepared to share something on the theme of trust. I was moved by the stories shared, encouraged by how we all listened to each other and made space for each of us to express ourselves without interruption. I was touched by how we laughed easily and the natural ebb and flow from silly jokes to profound moments of deeper fellowship.
Without a doubt, God blessed us as we met together and moved towards one another in friendship.
After everyone left that evening I remember sitting on the sofa in silence, just soaking up the atmosphere and sense of comfort I felt having been in the presence of other women who loved Jesus and were intentional about going deeper in fellowship. It felt like such a gift. I wondered why it had taken so long for me to gather enough courage to organise something like this. I had allowed fear of rejection and self-consciousness to rob me of the opportunity to make connections. I was grateful for the theme of the evening- Trust- which symbolised what it had taken to step out boldly and invite others in. Trust in God to knit our hearts together, trust that people would respond and make the effort to come to my humble home, and trust that the risk to share some of my heart and life with them would be worth it. He can take our small offerings of intentional time and cause relationships to flourish from it.
Was the evening perfect? No. A couple of people couldn’t make it at the last minute. There were some nerves at the start, and some shuffling of chairs and floor cushions to make everyone comfortable. But any awkwardness was overshadowed by the overall sense of anticipation and joy at the prospect of true fellowship.
Unfortunately, that was the first and only women’s gathering we had in that home. A couple of weeks after the global pandemic emerged and my family ended up moving out of the city altogether to a new church community. However, that one experience has served as personal motivation to continue creating connections with other women in the church. I know good things can happen, that the potential is there. Strong friendships can be established, but it will take initiative. And patience…and time, lot’s of time.
True fellowship cannot be forced. It must be led by the Spirit of God, through consistent prayer, wisdom and intentionality. But we can make space for it. We can push past awkwardness, embarrassment and fear of rejection and ask deeper questions. We can refuse to always stop at the surface level of small talk at our women’s gatherings and take the plunge into deeper conversational waters.
We all have different personality types and social preferences, but when we decided to follow Jesus in discipleship, we also signed up to be known, loved and accountable to others. To talk about the hard stuff, to confess our sins one to another, that we may be healed.
I believe every woman in the church needs this, we hope for this. It is a way of laying our lives down for our friends. We need to make the first move, we need to initiate like God did for us when He loved us first.
I know (probably more than most) this is not easy. It is hard for me, and intimidating to reach out in reality when I am faced with a group of women I don’t know very well. But I am convicted about this, I have the desire to go deeper and experience true fellowship and friendship with my sisters in Christ. We are bound together by the precious blood of our Lord and Saviour. We have a family bond to honour and strengthen, as the English proverb goes; “blood is thicker than water”.
I am thankful that God is slowly chipping away at my Mrs Independent attitude, revealing to me my desperate need of others walking closely beside me in faith. Sometimes it takes humility to receive this.
‘If, then, there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, make my joy complete by thinking the same way, having the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.’ ( Philippians 2:1-4 CSB)