Desperately Seeking Gentleness

Shouting is not a fruit of the Spirit...

Photo by Evie S. on Unsplash

My children were squabbling again. We had barely been home for 5 minutes after a long day of outdoor family fun, yet within seconds the atmosphere had changed– the noise level increasing with it. I sighed deeply and tried my first tactic; ignore it and hope the lack of attention would help de-escalate the situation. Nope, it continued nonetheless. 

A few minutes later I employed tactic number two. In as calm a voice as I could muster I asked them what the issue was, imploring them to find a way to resolve it without shouting. There was a brief silence while I spoke before the arguing continued, each defending their own position, the volume higher than ever. I sighed again, frustration mounting. All I wanted to do was come home, get a hot drink and have a moment to contemplate before the evening routine kicked in. It had been a lovely family adventure day with the children, my husband and I giving them lots of quality time and attention. My ‘cup over-flowed’, but I was ready for a refill. 

As the argument escalated to pushing and shoving, resulting in tears for one child, I had reached my limit. “Right!”  I shouted loud enough to be heard over the din, “ I have had enough of this behaviour! We have been out all day, had a lovely time, and the minute—literally the minute we get home you start bickering with each other!!” and on and on I went at full volume, working myself into my own state of justified anger. 

It was only later, when calm had been restored that I felt the twinges of regret. I did not feel good about how I had handled the situation. My body felt tired and drained; remnants of the stress and frustration which had erupted hours earlier. Why did the children continually demand so much of my energy, even now as they were approaching double figures in age? But mostly I wondered at my own response, why did I always resort to shouting over them in an effort to gain control of the situation? 

Where was the gentle and quiet spirit I had been working so hard to cultivate in my life?

“Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” ( 1 Peter 3:3-4 CSB)

I desperately want to be that kind of woman. Gentle and quiet, feminine, capable, and kind. A woman with qualities of great worth in God’s sight. I want this to mean more to me than compliments from others. Compliments that may be sincere, but do not take into account the spirit in which I live daily. At the end of the day, it’s God’s opinion of me that counts.

He is the one who sees beyond my outward appearance straight to my heart. He has given me this higher calling, not just in motherhood, but as a wife, friend, sister, church member, to not be conformed to the ways of this world. Having a gentle and quiet spirit is one way I can be nonconformist—set apart, holy, salt and light in a harsh unforgiving world. 

But how do I become like this consistently? This is a question I ask myself regularly. I come from a family of strong capable women on both sides. Shouting at each other (as a reasonable form of communication) in the family home was a normal occurrence, we made our voice known when we needed to! How does a woman with passionate convictions, high ideals and opinions about everything be gentle and quiet in the face of injustice or wrongdoing? How does a woman who grew up fiercely independent, largely self-sufficient ( in my own perception), with a strong desire to help the vulnerable exemplify a gentle and quiet spirit? What do I do with these strong emotions, this deep empathy for the plight of others? 

One answer may lie in our awareness of the nearness of Christ:

 “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” ( Philippians 4:5 NIV)

This could read as a warning to us; the Lord is near so be mindful of our conduct. But it could also be a source of comfort; the Lord is near. The Lord is with us, he is near to us. Therefore we can relax, we can let our harsh and angry guard down. The Lord has and never will leave us.

We don’t have to defend ourselves any more, we don’t need to justify our existence to anyone. We can walk in a spirit of gentleness because He is near to us, close to us, protective over us.  We don’t have to have all the answers or provide the solution for every problem. If the Lord is near then He is accessible, available, approachable. 

Another answer may lie in the confidence we have in Christ:

“The fruit of that righteousness will be peace; its effect will be quietness and confidence forever.” ( Isaiah 32:17 NIV)

“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it.” ( Isaiah 30:15 NIV) 

The Lord is speaking to His stubborn people in these verses. A people seemingly intent on going their own way and solving their own problems ( often self inflicted) with human wisdom, foolishly rejecting the wisdom and direction offered by their gracious God and King. 

We are often no different. Do we remember that walking in the ways and wisdom of God leads to peace, quietness and confidence? There is real strength in quiet trust. I am always a little bit in awe of people who exude ‘quiet confidence’. They seem so content with themselves; happy to be noticed or not, happy to be included or not. They are not striving for validation in any way, shape, or form. They are not shy, just quiet. Not arrogant, just confident. This is all the more impressive when this quiet confidence is not in themselves, but in God. 

I think this is my struggle. I struggle to let go of self reliance. I put immense pressure on myself to solve my own problems, guide my children in the right way and always do the right thing in every situation. I have high ideals and even higher expectations of myself and others. So when these expectations are not met, gentleness and quietness are too easily lost in the heated fog of anger and frustration. 

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It is possible to have a gentle and quiet spirit when we put all our trust and confidence not in ourselves, but in a faithful God who has already proved His eternal love for us. We know we are already chosen, already favoured, already seen. We have nothing to prove to God. He died in our place while we were yet sinners, raging against Him with rebellious hearts. We didn’t love Him at all, yet He loved us. We must believe that He will right every wrong. That He will generously give us wisdom for every situation if we just humble ourselves and ask. We can remain quiet and gentle with others; leaving them in God’s capable hands as we pray for them. As we refuse to repay evil with evil, but in obedience seek to overcome evil with something good. We can be gentle and quiet with ourselves, confidently trusting that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it. As the saying goes— be patient with me, God hasn’t finished with me yet. 

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience…Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3: 12, 15 NIV)